Nighttime

 1:30 am 

Baby cries. You pull on your robe as you stumble to her room, half asleep. 'Please let this be quick,' you think as you open the door. She looks so relieved to see you, but immediately becomes so sad when she realizes you don't want to pick her up for a cuddle. You try to put her paci in while her hands flail about. Finally, paci is inserted, blankie is secured by her ear, one hand is firmly grasping the fuzzy giraffe's ear. Oh, so precious. Soon, the squirming commences and angry cries fill the tiny room. Now the middle of the night choice that is ever hard to make, rock her back to sleep or try to listen to all the mom blogs about how it isn't good for them to rely on you to fall asleep. 'She's only a baby once,' you think as you pick her up and she cuddles right in. 

To the good ole rocking chair you go, cozy blankets on a cold night. The sweetest baby on your arms, and you think about how beautiful and perfect she is. You start to rock, but baby's big blue eyes are wide as she looks at mamas face. Squeak, squeak. Squeak, squeak. The chair sings it's song. Your eyes start to close and baby girl squirms. You start to think, 'I feel so burnt out.' but before the thought is even finished, the guilt races in. You think of all the mamas who are waiting, waiting for their precious babies. You feel such sadness. The chair squeaks on and you think about how you never remember to oil it. Frustration starts to build as baby wiggles on. Big brother starts to cry in his room, and the panic sets in. What if they both decide to be awake at 2 in the morning. You start to think about the coming day. How much crying will there ever be if no one got enough sleep? Will the nap time schedule be completely ruined? Will I get anything I need to do done, and what about the fun projects I had planned? What would it be like to have several hours to do as I please? Again, the wave of guilt. Am I a terrible mom? Is it my fault my babies have a hard time staying asleep? Soon it's 2:30 and you start to feel so helpless. Is there something I don't know? How am I always supposed to know what to do? And then you think of it. Prayer. Why didn't I think of that sooner? You sigh a prayer for all your stresses, for the sadness of your friends, and for strength for the coming day. Soon, your husband stands ready to take over. Your mind feels bleary with exhaustion, and your body stumbles back to bed.